Response to Robert E. Lee's "Jenson's Day"

Robert –

            Your short story is about a man named Jenson, whose life isn’t anything spectacular. His home life is kind of hum-drum, he works for a not so nice boss, and his job isn’t all that great. Despite all this, Jenson doesn’t seem to hate life; he just finds solace in the sleep and rest.

            First of all, I think you do a good job with dialogue. That’s my favorite part of the story. The conversations between Jenson and the other characters seem natural and they flow well. Also, within the dialogue, you create a specific voice for Jenson – he’s kind of snarky and sarcastic. I really liked the character you created.

            That being said, I want more of Jenson – I want to see more of him. As I said above, he comes across as snarky and sarcastic, but I don’t understand why. Is it a kind of defense mechanism for coping with his life? I got the sense that the life he’s living isn’t exactly the one he wants to be living. I think the character might benefit by picking a single scenario (either the house with the girlfriend or the office with the boss) and developing the character there. With a short-short story, there’s not a whole lot of room to create elaborate scenes and I think here, three scenes is not helping the character development all that much. To me, the whole conversation with the boss about the oak table is the most interesting, so I’d like to see that developed. What does Jenson think of the boss? Is the boss always as thoughtless as he is in this scene, or is he preoccupied with something? And while I’m on the topic of the boss/Jenson’s job, what exactly is his job? The narration says that his job description had changed over the years, but I want to know what he started off as. Did he begin as a paralegal? Why has he agreed to do all these things that are outside his job?

            I really think that this story has potential and that potential lies in Jenson’s character. I think if you draw him out more and flesh out his character, you would have a really great story.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "From Me for You"

Patrick –

            Your story is about a boy/man whose cousin’s husband died the morning of Thanksgiving. The sudden death, coupled with the cousin’s grief, causes a sort of depression and grief in the narrator.

            First of all, I really like the premise of this story. I thought it was really original to explore the relationship between cousins. Most stories about family dynamics are between husbands and wives, parents and children, or siblings. The fact that the relationship between two cousins is what drives the story is really interesting. Because it is so interesting, I want to see it explored a bit more. For example, why are they close? Do they spend a lot of time together? Maybe Debbie is the older sister Isaiah never had?

            Also, I’d like to see a lot more of showing, more scenes, rather than summary. As it stands now, a great majority of the story is completely summary with recalled details here and there. I think that adding some scene would not only improve the overall story, but it would also help move the story along and help to characterize the characters especially the narrator and the cousin. For example, I’d like to see a scene from the bachelor party. Right now, there are a few details, but I think a scene here would greatly help to characterize Albert. Another place for a scene would be the very beginning – I want to see Debbie breaking down. What happened? Were they all sitting around the table eating, and Debbie started crying and it eventually devolved into her sobbing and falling on the floor? Show it happening.

            Also, I’d like more about the narrator. Why is he so devastated by his cousin’s breakdown? I’m not sure I totally understand his motivations. Obviously he loves his family, but I don’t get his grief – right now I’m grappling with issues of believability because of this. Also, I’m not sure what the change is. He states from the first sentence that this situation was heart-wrenching and he is still pretty depressed at the end. To me, it felt like the change happened to Debbie, which made her seem more like the main character. I would work on that and the rest of the story should fall in place once you’ve got that figured out.

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Blood"

Molly –

            I really liked this story about a nineteen year old girl, named Scarlett, who is in a mental hospital following the death of her father. As Scarlett herself says, she “just couldn’t take it anymore.” Her mother put Scarlett in the psychiatric hospital after she caught Scarlett cutting herself. However, Scarlett claims that she wasn’t trying to commit suicide, but was merely doing it to make sure she is still alive.

            First of all, I LOVE the voice in this piece. It’s so unique – sarcastic, realistic, and relatable all at the same time. I kept reading because I wanted more of that voice. I also thought your choice of subject was really unique, especially since the voice doesn’t exactly scream “insane.” I really liked the descriptions of the mental hospital – I liked that it was colored by the fact that Scarlett really doesn’t need to be in the mental hospital, but she’s there anyway and she observes everything around her. You do a great job creating a sense of place – I feel like I know exactly what the mental hospital looks like and what the patients are like. I also liked the recurring theme of death and blood pouring out (even though the scene where her dad died not only made me cringe, but made me slightly sick) – it tied everything together and made the ending all that more impactful.

            As for suggestions, I’ll start with some minor, nit-picky things. First of all, I want to know earlier how old Scarlett is. I got the sense that she was probably younger based on her interactions with the psychiatrist in the first scene, but I wasn’t sure. Until Scarlett says she’s nineteen on page 4, I was thinking she was around sixteen, so I want that introduced a bit earlier. Also, I want to know earlier why she’s in the mental hospital. All the stuff about her father doesn’t have to be revealed early – in fact, I think it’s perfect where it is – but I think I’d like to know that she’s there for cutting herself earlier in the story.

            My last suggestion has to do with the change in the character. I’m not really sure there was a change in the character. Sure, she comes to the realization that her dad will always be with her as long as she lets him stay, I feel like she had come to that realization before she has this conversation with the psychiatrist. Because of that, I didn’t feel like there was actually a change; it was more like the audience came to know more about Scarlett.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Swiss Cheese"

Alyson –

            First, a quick summary: “Swiss Cheese” is about Brett Miller, a resident/intern/doctor at a hospital. During her shift, Jack Goodman, a man on death row, who has attempted suicide, is brought in. After twelve hours in surgery, Brett is tasked with looking after the man while he recovers. During this time, she comes to an understanding of Jack. Because of this, she gives Jack the information necessary for him to complete his suicide, thus “cheating the system” by dying before his execution.

            I really enjoyed this story. From the first scene, I was sucked in and wanted to keep reading; it was compelling. Part of the reason it was so compelling was the unique descriptions; I had this fantastic sense of place in my head, and I could see the characters moving around in it. One of my favorite descriptions is “rodent bodies filled the receptacle across the room like grey popcorn.” The image itself is disgusting, but the description was really unique and I was able to picture exactly what that looked like. I also really liked the callback of specific details that cropped up earlier in the story. For instance, Brett talks about cows being squeezed through chutes before they die, and then Jack brings this exact same point up later.

            As for suggestions, my main issue was the ending. I really liked the ending, but when I put down the story, I couldn’t figure out exactly what the change was or the motivation for it. I have this vague notion floating around in my head, but I wanted something a little stronger. For me, the change was that Brett came to identify with her patient. Before, she basically pretended that the patients were nameless, faceless beings so she wouldn’t be reminded of her mother. When she meets Jack, she’s actually interested in finding out who he is, what he’s done, and why he’s done it. I’m not really sure I understand why she does this though. Obviously, she’s scared of Jack, yet Brett is the one who keeps asking questions. Make the change and the motivation for the change more obvious so we’re not left wondering at the end.

            Also, I’d like to see more of her mother’s murder brought into her motivations. I got the sense it was her dad’s death that caused her to want to be a doctor. She was pre-med when she found her mother murdered, yet she couldn’t save her. Did that create an even stronger drive to become a doctor? How does her mother’s death affect her daily life in the hospital besides the fact that she doesn’t like to see her patients as real people? I think the mom’s death is a big part of Brett’s life and needs to be more a force in the story.

Response to Paul Vance's "Support Group"

Paul –

            “Support Group” is about a man in a support group, sharing his many problems, of which, the main one being that he is addicted to masturbation. Throughout the story, Jules charts his journey with the addiction, revealing how it started, the awkward moments it has caused, and the implications it has had upon his adult life.

            First of all, I thought you had some interesting descriptions. Also, I think you did a good job using the dialogue, especially at the beginning of the story, to reveal just how nervous Jules is. That, coupled with the fact that his voice finally becomes stronger, helps to create a change in the character.

            As far as suggestions go, my first one has to do with the ending. I get that it is possible to be self-abusive and that the addiction basically destroyed his life, but I don’t think that his addiction is analogous to sexual abuse. I just felt like Jules went from being very insecure and self-conscious to being almost self-righteous. It just didn’t sit right with me that he compared his choice to masturbate all the time, which he has some modicum of control over, to sexual abuse, which the victim cannot control at all.

            Also, I have no idea how old the narrator is. Obviously, he’s a bit older since he talks about adult relationships and he has the presence of mind to find help for his addiction, but I don’t really have a handle on his age. I think this is partly because of the narrator’s diction. My main problem with his diction is the repeated usage of the word “wiener.” To me, that is just a really immature word. Yet, the narrator uses it repeatedly in every situation. It would make more sense if he used it when he’s recounting memories from his childhood and then used a different word for his more adult explanations.

            Finally, I’m not so sure about the change in the character. There is a change from Jules being insecure to being semi-confident. However, I felt like it just didn’t fit. I think this is partly because I don’t know what actually caused the change because there was no interaction whatsoever between Jules and anyone else.

Response to Emily Feagin's "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

Emily -

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is about the mother of a young girl, Ruth. The woman is upset because her daughter is getting married at the age of twenty-two, which the mother considers to young for marriage. The whole story is basically about the mother coming to terms with the fact that her baby girl is getting married and will no longer belong solely to her.

First of all, I really liked the overall plot of the story. I thought it was an interesting plot and something that lends itself to exploration. I also really liked the mother’s voice; it was very clear and distinct and I thought you did a good job conveying how she feels about her daughter’s impending nuptials.

That being said, I wanted more. Not only more story, but more explanation and exploration. The main area I want to see this in is the mother and her motivations. Right now, I’m not one hundred percent sure why she is the way she is. I understand that she is upset that her daughter is getting married so young, but I couldn’t help but feel that, the entire time I was reading, there was something more to her feelings. Maybe she married young, and it wasn’t exactly everything she wanted it to be, so she wants to save her daughter from making the same mistake. I just didn’t understand exactly why she was so resentful of her daughter. I get the resentment, but I think she would also be happy that her daughter has found the love of her life.

Also, I’d like to see more showing through scenes. With the scenes you have, you do a good job of characterizing your characters, especially the mother. However, I also felt like there was a lot of summary that could be made into scenes. I’d like to see more interaction between the mother and Ruth. I’d also like to see interaction between Ruth and Isaac and how the mother perceives it.

Lastly, I wasn’t really sure about the change. It felt kind of weak, especially in terms of what it has the potential to be. It just kind felt like the mother was like “Oh, my daughter’s getting married and she’s beautiful so I shouldn’t be mad anymore.” I just wanted more of an emotional impact from the ending.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Where to Start?"

Kevin –

            I liked your story about a young boy named Darroll, who yearns to break free from the stifling control of his parents; he wants freedom and a life of his own.

            The thing that is really working in this story is the voice. From the first paragraph of the story, I was completely sucked in by the narrator’s voice. Not only is it unique, but it is also very natural – it is not stiff or awkward. There are fragments and uncompleted thoughts, both of which contribute to the natural flow of the narration. I also really liked the recurring motif of the dinosaurs and how you incorporated that into the idea of extinction. The continuation of the simile throughout creates an interesting dynamic between Darroll and his parents – if he doesn’t take care, their overbearing control will obliterate his freedom, and he will never have a chance to live life as he wants to live it.

            My main suggestion is to explore the motivations of the characters. First, let’s start with Darroll. I get that he wants to have some semblance of freedom and live his own life, which is completely natural. However, I want to know why. The narration hints that he doesn’t like being the “momma’s boy,” and that he resents his parents for treating him like a mindless animal. However, I’m a bit confused as to where these feelings are coming from. Darroll says that it took some time, but he got used to their controlling nature. However, his parents have probably been like that his whole life, so their controlling ways would be something natural to him. Second, I’d like to see more of the parents. Why are they so controlling? The grandfather seems like a pretty relaxed person, so I imagine that his parenting style wasn’t over the top controlling. With that in mind, I’m a bit confused about why the mother parents the way she does. Most people model their parenting style after their own parents, or if they hated their upbringing, they do the exact opposite of what their parents did. So it makes me wonder if Darroll’s mother is so controlling because her own father wasn’t? I think clarification of motives would greatly enhance this already interesting story.

Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

Janelle –

            I really liked the plot of this story. At first, I was wondering where you were going with the whole “safe” theme, but I thought the arc of Alexandra hearing noises, her dog disappearing, and her being assaulted was intriguing. I also liked the ending and the fact that it was her father who assaulted her, but I thought it was a bit predictable. I thought it might be the father when she said she thought the mask looked familiar, and then the details about him calling her “little one” and the fact that the dog did what he wanted it to only reassured me, so the ending wasn’t that big of a surprise.

            I think what is really working in this story is the voice. Alexandra’s voice is unique and strong. For example, I really liked the second sentence when she says, “the flashlight I carried could’ve been considered a spotlight, and I think I frequently blinded oncoming cars because they always flicked their lights at me as if I was a car.” I just thought that it was a unique description and it fit with the voice you established for your narrator.

            As far as suggestions go, I would say work on the pacing. The beginning was a bit slow, but I understand that it was necessary to get all that exposition in. Maybe there’s a way you could incorporate some of the first page into a scene so it isn’t so slow. Also, I felt like there were times when the action would get started, and then it faltered because Alexandra was just waiting to see what happened. This happens when she realizes that the door is open the first time. I was excited to see some action, but instead of speeding up, the narration slowed down because Alexandra retreated. Which brings me to a minor gripe – why/how is she falling asleep during all of this? The narration portrays Alexandra as this perpetually frightened, high-strung kind of person, so I would think that after all the noises she’s been hearing and the fact that her dog is missing, she would be amped up with fear and adrenaline. But somehow she falls asleep not once, but twice in the middle of all of this. My only explanation was that she’s narcoleptic.

            Also, I’m not really sure what the change in the character was. She was scared at the beginning of the story, and she’s still scared at the end of it. How did she change? This might be explored some if the ending was slowed down a bit, because, for me, the ending felt rushed and not really fleshed out to its full potential.

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

            I’m not really sure how I feel about this story. When I was reading it, I kept pushing through because I wanted to know what would happen between the narrator and the boy. When I got to the end, I was a bit disappointed that nothing actually happened between them. I felt dissatisfied. But now that I’ve removed myself from the story and thought about it for a few hours, I realize that it’s not really about the relationship between the narrator and the boy, but rather a story about culture – the retention of culture and the loss of culture.

            The big that stuck out to me was obviously the usage of second person. It took me the first couple pages to get used to it, but once I did, I thought that Lahiri’s style of narration was extraordinary. Normally, it’s difficult to write something in second person without running the risk of alienating the audience or making them uncomfortable. But Lahiri writes in such a way that I never felt awkward that she kept using “yous.” Instead, I felt like the use of second person created a more intimate kind of feel – the intimacy of the writing style helps strengthen the idea that the narrator had a crush on the boy, and the entire story is the things left unsaid between them.

            Though I liked the use of second person to tell the story, I also felt that it sometimes detracted from the overall impact of the story. For example, because the story is addressed to the boy, who obviously knows what he looks like and what the other people in the story look like, there is no need for a lot of physical description. Because of this, I really didn’t have a good feel for what the characters looked like – I was left to envision the stereotypical Indian-American. The voices of the different characters were strong enough to help me distinguish them from each other, but at times, I was left wanting more in the way of description.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Password Protected"

Christina –

            Your story made me tear up. I loved how you portrayed the relationship between Thomas and Julia. Their relationship is very sweet – which is why I was sad when it was revealed that Thomas died.

            Basically, this story is about a brother and sister. The story itself is narrated by the sister, who, through reflections on her life with her brother and browsing Facebook, realizes the inherent unfairness in life – that some people choose to kill themselves when others, who want to live, die. She also discovers that despite this, it is possible to create an alternate reality, in which you live the life you want to live.

            As I’ve already said, I really enjoyed the relationship between Thomas and Julia. I thought you did a great job with the characterization because the closeness between them was quite apparent. However, I’d suggest maybe adding something that creates tension between them, because right now, their relationship is a little bit too perfect, which isn’t completely realistic. I think that’s what you were going for with the whole conversation about school while they were watching Glee. The scene itself is good, but I’d like to see a little more conflict because even though their conversation is supposed to create tension, it still has an air of sweetness, because Thomas is simply looking out for his sister.

            I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of little details with the overarching situation of Thomas’ cancer. My favorite was “This invasion of my privacy used to be my greatest sorrow in middle school.” The juxtaposition of the eavesdropping being her greatest sorrow against her brother’s cancer shows just how much her life has been changed.

            The only other major suggestion I have is clarifying the ages/age difference of Thomas and Julia. I was able to figure out that Julia was older, but I wasn’t sure by how much. Also, I wasn’t quite sure how old she is. From the voice, it seemed like she was in college, so a bit older than the scenes in the flashbacks, but I wasn’t sure exactly how old she was or how long ago Thomas had died. And that’s another think I’d like nailed down. How old was Thomas when he died? And how long did Julia keep up the façade that her brother was still alive? I’d like to see this time issues clarified so I can have a better grip on the when of the story.

Response to Cole Stuart's "Status Quo"

Cole –

            This story is about Jake Blackwell, a boy in high school, who is very analytical and derives pleasure from the reactions that people have to his odd clothing choices. Because of his choices, Jake is seen as somewhat of an oddity, and consequently, people don’t want to be associated with him. However, this changes when, as a result of too many late arrivals, Jake receives in school suspension, where he meets Phil, Jordan, and Tanner, who, however tentatively accept him into their little group of social outcasts.

            My favorite thing about this piece was the repetition of buzz buzz. I thought the choice was interesting and helped to connect everything in the story. It also made the ending much more powerful, because the buzzing finally stops and there is only silence. However, whether this is the result of the drugs or the fact that Jake finally has a semblance of friendship is open to interpretation.

            My first suggestion is to expand Jake’s motivations. I get that he dresses the way he does in order to get reactions out of people, but I want to know what led him to doing that in the first place? Does he not have any friends, and decides that if people aren’t going to associate with him anyway, that it should be for a reason, and that’s why he dresses the way he does? Or does he not have any friends solely because he’s weird? I think providing more motivation for his actions would help me understand his character, especially since in the beginning, he says that he wishes he “could think things through in [the] normal way of doing things.” This, to me, indicates that he wants to be normal, so why doesn’t he just try to be normal?

            Also, I’d like to see some exploration of his so-called friends. With Dave, I want to know why Jake considers Dave his best friend? Are they really friends, or does Jake only think that because Dave will actually talk to him? I’d also like to see more of the guys in suspension with him, since they are the ones who help facilitate his change. Right now, I only have this vague notion of what they are, but nothing concrete.  

Response to Matt Diaz's "Series of Omissions"

Matt –

            I really enjoyed this story, which seems to be written in the style of an obituary or something similar, about Norman O’Connor and the things he leaves behind in death. Mainly, the story focuses on Norman’s relationships with his family members. These relationships present Norman as loving father and husband, who also can be rather harsh, even violent.

            First of all, I absolutely loved the characterization you used throughout this piece. I thought it was quite clever to show him through the different perspectives of the different people in his family. It worked really well, because, right when I thought I had gotten a handle on who I thought Norman was, you’d give some other details which made me rethink his character. I thought that this made it very realistic because no one in real life is cut and dry – there are some things that we like about people and other things that they do that irritate us – and I thought the characterization of Norman hit the nail on the head.

            That being said, my only real suggestion is that I want more – not necessarily in length or an expansion of the ending, because personally, I thought the ending was perfect. The place where I see the need for more description or characterization or whatever you want to call it, is in the scene with the sons. The thing that I thought you did best throughout the piece was to show Norman’s relationship with his family, and how those family members perceived him. However, the sons’ scene focuses mainly on them. They beat each other up, but I don’t think it quite characterizes their relationships with their father. I get they were upset by his death, but I want more. I want to know what about their relationship with Norman would cause them to do that.

            Also, and this really isn’t a detail that’s needs to be added into the actual story, but I read this as an obituary of sorts, which led to me to question who “wrote” this obituary. Was it the wife or one of the children? There’s really no way to add that into the story without changing the framework, but I thought it was an interesting detail that would color how Norman is portrayed.

Response to David Foster Wallace's "Incarnations of Burned Children"

David Foster Wallace’s “Incarnations of Burned Children” is one of those stories that just stick with you. I’ve read it before and was reluctant to read it a second time because I knew what was going to happen. But I went ahead and forced myself to read it, and realized, that more than anything, it wasn’t necessarily the story that stuck with me, but the language Wallace uses. His construction of sentences is hauntingly beautiful in that each word, each turn of phrase is there for the singular purpose of creating the greater effect of fear and sorrow.

            For example, one of my favorite lines from this short story describes how the father deals with the situation at hand: “ . . . the Daddy moving quickly and well and his man’s mind empty of everything but purpose, not yet aware of how smoothly he moved or that he’d ceased to hear the high screams because to hear them would freeze him and make impossible what had to be done to help his child, whose screams were regular as breath . . .” (Wallace 706). The most striking thing about this description is its length. It is all one very long sentence, which creates a sense of breathlessness and urgency, thus mimicking the emotional state of the characters, specifically the dad. Additionally, the long sentences help to portray the sense that the father is doing things automatically, without thinking. At this point in the story, he moves like a robot, without feeling or emotion, simply doing what needs to be done to save the child.

            This sense of emotional detachment as a means of getting through the situation is furthered by the lack of specific names in the story. They are simply the Daddy, the Mommy, and the baby. This lack of names creates a distance between the reader and the emotional gravity of the situation being described. There is no specificity for the reader to latch on to and make an emotional attachment with. However, the audience is still left haunted because, by the same token, the lack of specificity creates a sense of universality – that this situation could happen to anyone.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "Baking Cookies"

Patrick Padilla’s “Baking Cookies” is about the relationship between a little boy, Matt, and his mother. At first, the relationship seems like a normal, loving mother-son relationship. This is because Matt doesn’t know any better and thinks that his mom only does things because she loves him. However, it becomes quickly apparent that what Matt sees as shows of love are actually forms of child molestation. A child protective services worker “rescues” Matt from his mother, taking him to his grandmother’s house.

            Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. When I got to the first little description of sexual abuse, I was a little uncomfortable, but the scene was done tastefully enough that I was able to keep reading. The entire story, though dealing with an uncomfortable subject, is written in such a way that enough of what is going on is revealed so that the reader knows what’s going on, but it is explicit. I also really liked the characterization of the relationship between Matt and his mother. It is obvious that Matt really loves his mother. He enjoys spending time with her and thinks of himself as her protector. The fact that Matt finds safety in his mother shows the depth of their relationship, even if the relationship is considered abusive. Additionally, the sprinkling of humor throughout was a nice touch. Obviously, child sexual abuse is a heavy topic and can quickly become uncomfortable and upsetting. However, the smattering of humor in the narration helped to lighten the tone so that it never became unbearably uncomfortable.

            My only real suggestion for this story is to explore the father some more. Right now, I only have a vague notion of why he left. Honestly, to me, it sounded like he was abusive to her. But she convinced him to leave, so I’m not really sure what motivated that. My other big question about the father is what caused his suspicions? The child protective services worker says that the father was concerned about Matt, but I don’t have a clear reason for why he was concerned. And if he was concerned, why didn’t he try to do something about it before calling child protective services? Maybe there was a confrontation prior to him calling them, but it’s not included in the narration? Right now, I’m a bit iffy about the father, and I’d like to know more about him.

Response to Robert E. Lee's "A Different Place"

Robert E. Lee’s “A Different Place” is a story about a man and his family following a car accident in which the family was involved. The narrator was not in the wreck, but learns of it from his family members who were in it. The accident killed a friend, Derick, and could have killed the rest of the family as well. Back in the United States, the survivors go to the hospital, where it is found that the father has a broken vertebra and requires surgery.

The thing that works the best in this story is the dialogue. It is well written and natural. None of it feels stilted or shoehorned in by the author to make a point. Instead, the dialogue serves to move the story forward. There is also a good mix of direct dialogue and indirect dialogue. I especially like the indirect dialogue because it gave the audience a bit of insight on how the narrator responded to it when he was told it.

My main suggestion for this story is to have more of a character arc. As of right now, I’m not really sure how the narrator changed, if at all. It just kind of seems that he took this accident in stride and then went back to daily life. I want to see Derick’s death and his dad’s injuries affect him more. Maybe it might work better if he too was in the accident. That might lead him to thinking about mortality and risks.

Also, after reading, I want to know why the narrator is so calm about the whole situation. He says himself that he realizes that the entire family could have died in the accident, not just Derick. However, the narrator doesn’t ever demonstrate any real emotional intensity. He seems very detached from situation. Personally, I don’t think it’s the best narrative choice because it obvious that the narrator cares about his family. Because of that connection, I think he would be more likely to have intense emotional responses to the situation. But he doesn’t, which leads me to wonder if the narrator is callous or if maybe he doesn’t completely understand the gravity of the situation.

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Chase"

Molly Kirkpatrick’s “Chase” is about Caroline and her relationship with her ex-boyfriend Chase. Their relationship is in flux because they both have contracted herpes. They meet in the Burger Lounge to talk over things, and once there, Caroline remembers little things about their relationship and between her memories and her conversation with Chase, she realizes that Chase really did, and possibly still does, love her.

My favorite part of this piece is definitely the humor. Obviously, sexually transmitted diseases and how they affect relationships and lives is a very heavy topic and could approached in a very serious, humorless way. However, the infusion of humor in the narration helps the reader push through a feelings of discomfort about the topic and actually read the story for what it is: a story about a relationship and what love is. The story had me laughing from the very first page, really from the second sentence. That humor continued through the entire story, which kept me reading even if I did become uncomfortable at times; the humor made the narrator sympathetic – I liked her and wanted to know how her story ended Probably my favorite line from “Chase” is when Caroline is talking to Felicia and Isobell about Chase. The sister say something to each other, and the description of their reaction is: “The sisters turned and gave each other the ‘aww’ eyes, giggling like a couple of Teletubbies.” I was funny enough that it elicited a laugh, but at the same time, I was able to see and hear exactly how they had reacted.

I really don’t have that many suggestions for improvement – overall, I thought that just about everything was working. That being said, I do have a few questions. Who broke up with whom? Did Caroline break up with Chase, or vice versa? Why did they break up? I mean, getting an STD is not the greatest thing in the world, but would that warrant them breaking up with each other? Maybe Caroline was mad at Chase for giving it to her, and that’s what caused the breakup? Also, I kind of want to know where Chase got herpes from in the first place. The characterization portrayed him as a “playa,” but where did he contract the disease? Also, did he know that he had it before he passed it on to Caroline? I thinking backstory that answers these stories would help flesh out the relationship between Caroline and Chase.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Kids"

Alyson Smith’s “Kids” is a story about a group of girls at a summer church camp. The narrator, Jenny, is a twelve year old girl who loves reading, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. Unfortunately, these likes make her stick out from the girls at camp. She is not obsessed with makeup and boys like the other girls, but rather keeps to herself.

I think you do a good job representing the girls in the opening scene. I grew up with a sister, so I understand how mornings go and the description in the beginning was pretty much spot on. However, as the story progressed, I felt like the representation of the girls made them seem a bit older than they were stated to be.

As it stands right now, I don’t feel like there is an actual story here – it’s more a situation or a compilation of events. There really isn’t that much tension or conflict (unless you count the shocking revelation that a thirteen year old is having sex at church camp). Also, I don’t really know who changes. Jenny doesn’t change because she doesn’t have the chance to have a transformation – nothing actually happens to her. The entirety of the story is a clustering of events that happen to the people around her, not to her. It’s the other girls who are crushing on the boys in camp or trying to capture Jeremy’s attention. It’s Morgan who has a “crisis” because Connor likes Chandler and not her. It’s Jenna who is caught sleeping with Chandler. Because none of things actually happen to Jenny herself, there is nothing that can help cause a change in her. She just observes and retains the same attitude toward the other girls – she doesn’t understand them and doesn’t care.

Personally, I want to see Jenny’s motivations be explored. Right now, I don’t know why she is so antisocial. Why is she so reluctant to be like the other girls? If she doesn’t like and doesn’t want to participate in the camp activities, why is she there in the first place? Did she want to go, and then it wasn’t what she thought it was going to be? Or maybe her mom forced her to go? I want to understand Jenny’s character more and see her change.

Response to Emily Feagin's "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

Emily Feagin’s “With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies” is about the relationship between the narrator and her mother, who has dementia. The story is mainly a compilation of the narrator’s memories and experiences with her mother which is interwoven with a scene of dialogue in which the mother, in the grips of dementia, cannot remember taking her pills. This group of memories helps the narrator come to grips with her mother’s dementia as the disease slowly takes away the woman she once knew.

Overall, I enjoyed this story. It was sad, but that is mainly because the narration captures the relationship between the mother and daughter well, so it is sad to see how the mother, whom the daughter obviously loves very much, is decaying and becoming but a memory of the person she once was. Also, I really liked the ongoing scene/conversation about the pills. It perfectly showed the effects of dementia, thus exposing the reader to what dementia has done to the mother, all while tying the entire story together.

Though the scene about the pills is very good, personally, I would like to see more scene throughout the entire story. As it stand right now, the narration consists mainly of summary, making the story mainly a compilation of summaries of memories. Obviously, not all the memories need to be in scene, but I think it might work if one or two of the more important/impactful memories were written in scene. I would like to see how the mother was before the dementia set in. Right now, all I know about the mother is from what the narrator tells me and how the mother acts with dementia.

Also, I had a hard time nailing down exactly what the story was about. Personally, I felt like it was about the relationship between the mother and daughter more than it was about dementia or anything else. That being said, I’m not really sure how exactly the narrator changes. From the beginning, she is a loving daughter, and at the end, she is still a loving daughter. I guess the change is that she has come to accept this new person that has become her mother. But I’m not really sure. I would like to see more development of the narrator’s character in order to clear that up.

Response to Matt Diaz's "Fortune"

Matt Diaz’s “Fortune” is about a home invasion and how the homeowner reacts to the situation. It begins with Mike relaxing after a day at work and not really doing anything. Suddenly, two robbers break into his house and shoot Mike’s dog, Duke. Instead of being quick to action to save himself, Mike resorts to simple compliance and watches his house being torn apart, all in an attempt to stay alive. However, as the burglary progresses, Mike becomes more and more angry with the situation. During a squabble between the two burglars, shots are fired, and one of the robbers is shot. In that moment, Mike finally snaps, realizing the dire nature of the situation and finally resolves to active, rather than complacent, in his attempt to stay safe.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was compelling and I wanted to keep reading to see what happened. I particularly liked the juxtaposition between the frivolousness of the Wheel of Fortune on the television versus the seriousness of the situation taking place in reality. I also enjoyed the inclusion of the dog and how it was used in order to reveal Mike’s feelings and emotions. I think Matt did a good job of showing enough of the dog, but not enough to get attached to the character, so that it wasn’t a shock when the dog was killed. I think Matt did a good job of using the dog as a center for Mike’s focus. The dog became a place for Mike to transfer his emotions about the situation so that he could deal with the burglary as clear-headedly as possible.

Though I liked the dog as a means of revealing Mike’s feelings, as a whole, I felt like the tone and Mike’s actions are oddly calm for the situation; it doesn’t have the sense of urgency that a robbery or a dangerous situation typically has. I do think that it does fit with the story considering Mike is complacent in order to stay alive, but at the same time, I wanted more emotion. At times, it felt like Mike was looking in on the situation rather than experiencing it. Part of this, I think, was due to the high level of vocabulary. At times, I felt that the vocabulary was too elevated for the situation. Mike is calm, but under the surface, I feel like he should be panicking, and as a result, I don’t think his brain would come up with such elaborate words.

Response to Robert Lee's "Curtis and Deangelo"

Robert Lee’s “Curtis and Deangelo” is about two guys (I assume their just friends and not actually related). The story begins in a casino where Curtis is gambling. There, the reader finds out that Curtis has been losing all night and has had bad luck with both prostitution and alcohol in the very recent past. The reader is then introduced to Deangelo, who like Curtis, hasn’t been having much luck in Las Vegas. They leave the casino and Curtis gets a phone call telling him that his father is in surgery. The two guys then talk about an accident that happened a year prior. After that, there is a transition to the hospital, where Curtis’ father is recovering from surgery. He talks on the phone to Deangelo and Deangelo reveals that his own father has died.

I liked the beginning of the story, when Curtis was just gambling by himself and losing money. I like the air of mystery that surrounded him. I also like the exaggerations he is telling Mr. Berry. (At least, I thought they were exaggerations, but after reading the whole story, I’m not so sure.) I thought this story could have gone so many ways.

My main problem with this story is the lack of direction. I have no idea what this story is actually about. It seems like there are two or three threads going on here; all of them are kind of thrown on the page, but there isn’t a specific one that is actually followed. There’s the story of the gambling. And then there’s a story in Deangelo and the little line about them thinking they’re going to be arrested. There’s also a story within their conversation about the accident. And lastly, there’s also a story in the hospital and Curtis’ dad’s surgery.

I think this might be remedied by picking one story and following it to the end and add the details necessary to flesh it out. As it stands right now, there is a lack of detail that raises a lot of questions. Who is Bishop? Why are they in Las Vegas? What accident are they talking about? How are Deangelo and Curtis connected? For a while, I thought they were just friends, then I thought they were brothers, but then I went back to thinking they were just friends. Because of the lack of details, I don’t have a firm hold on anything in this story.

I also found myself confused by the dialogue. Several times, I realized that I didn’t know who was speaking, and it changed how I read it. For example, I thought the line in which Curtis harasses the waitress was actually spoken by Deangelo. I thought it was good characterization until I realized that it was Curtis who had said it.

Lastly, I don’t know what’s going on in the ending. I thought it was Curtis’ dad in the hospital. In the beginning of the scene, the dad is alive and recovering. But by the end of the scene, someone’s (I’m not sure whose) dad has died. I assume that it was Deangelo’s dad who died since the beginning of the scene showed Curtis’ dad alive and well. But that makes me question how Deangelo’s dad ended up in the hospital/in surgery too.

Pick a story, stick to it, and add detail, and I think this story could go a long way.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal"

Christina Kettering’s “Dress Rehearsal” is about the relationship between two sisters who are very close in age. Kate, the older sister, feels overshadowed by her younger sister, Diana. This sense of being overshadowed leads Kate to feel very sensitive about her personal identity. Interestingly enough, this dynamic is the opposite of what is expected, for normally, in stories about identity dealing with siblings, it is normally the older sibling who overshadows the younger sibling. This worrying about her identity leeches into several aspects of Kate’s life, including her friendship with Sean and her responsibilities in the school play. Eventually, the worrying becomes too much, and Kate must assert who she is as a person. However, this assertion finally allows her to rest firmly in her own identity.

Overall, I really enjoyed the story. It revolved around a good storyline, which was interesting and compelling. The images and descriptions were wonderful throughout, and were often inventive. One of my favorite images is the description of the dress Diana tries on: “The white dress was lumpy in all the wrong places, like cottage cheese.” Not only were the descriptions done well, but the characterization was also superb. It was obvious from the narration that Kate and Diana are very close and care about each other. For example, the scene where Kate clears a space for her sister on her bed reveals that the two are confidants to each other. This characterization made the story even more compelling, because it is interesting that Kate doesn’t like always been compared and associated with her sister, when obviously the two are very close, as well as very similar.

That being said, there are also some things I would like to see worked on in order to clear up some questions that remained after reading the story. First of all, the ending felt a bit rushed. Though the idea of identity is introduced on page four, by the time the story begins actually expanding on that idea and running with it, the story begins to end. I’d like to see the issue of identity being dealt with in more depth earlier in the story. Also, as far as identity goes, I’d like to know more about Kate. The main source of conflict is Kate’s animosity towards always being confused or compared with her sister. Yet, there really isn’t any description that distinguishes Kate from Diana in the reader’s mind. Sure, Kate says that she’s “a year older, a foot taller, and [she has] red hair,” but because the reader doesn’t really know what Diana looks like, there really isn’t any separation between the two characters. Also, Kate always defines her identity in terms of her sister. When she makes her assertion on page seven, she says, “I’m Diana’s sister, her older sister. I’m the tall one, the responsible one, the redhead.” All of these things are in comparison to her sister, which is exactly what she is trying to escape. If she is so concerned about her own identity, I feel like her own descriptions of herself should come apart from descriptions of her sister.