Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

Janelle –

            I really liked the plot of this story. At first, I was wondering where you were going with the whole “safe” theme, but I thought the arc of Alexandra hearing noises, her dog disappearing, and her being assaulted was intriguing. I also liked the ending and the fact that it was her father who assaulted her, but I thought it was a bit predictable. I thought it might be the father when she said she thought the mask looked familiar, and then the details about him calling her “little one” and the fact that the dog did what he wanted it to only reassured me, so the ending wasn’t that big of a surprise.

            I think what is really working in this story is the voice. Alexandra’s voice is unique and strong. For example, I really liked the second sentence when she says, “the flashlight I carried could’ve been considered a spotlight, and I think I frequently blinded oncoming cars because they always flicked their lights at me as if I was a car.” I just thought that it was a unique description and it fit with the voice you established for your narrator.

            As far as suggestions go, I would say work on the pacing. The beginning was a bit slow, but I understand that it was necessary to get all that exposition in. Maybe there’s a way you could incorporate some of the first page into a scene so it isn’t so slow. Also, I felt like there were times when the action would get started, and then it faltered because Alexandra was just waiting to see what happened. This happens when she realizes that the door is open the first time. I was excited to see some action, but instead of speeding up, the narration slowed down because Alexandra retreated. Which brings me to a minor gripe – why/how is she falling asleep during all of this? The narration portrays Alexandra as this perpetually frightened, high-strung kind of person, so I would think that after all the noises she’s been hearing and the fact that her dog is missing, she would be amped up with fear and adrenaline. But somehow she falls asleep not once, but twice in the middle of all of this. My only explanation was that she’s narcoleptic.

            Also, I’m not really sure what the change in the character was. She was scared at the beginning of the story, and she’s still scared at the end of it. How did she change? This might be explored some if the ending was slowed down a bit, because, for me, the ending felt rushed and not really fleshed out to its full potential.