Response to Patrick Padilla's "From Me for You"

Patrick –

            Your story is about a boy/man whose cousin’s husband died the morning of Thanksgiving. The sudden death, coupled with the cousin’s grief, causes a sort of depression and grief in the narrator.

            First of all, I really like the premise of this story. I thought it was really original to explore the relationship between cousins. Most stories about family dynamics are between husbands and wives, parents and children, or siblings. The fact that the relationship between two cousins is what drives the story is really interesting. Because it is so interesting, I want to see it explored a bit more. For example, why are they close? Do they spend a lot of time together? Maybe Debbie is the older sister Isaiah never had?

            Also, I’d like to see a lot more of showing, more scenes, rather than summary. As it stands now, a great majority of the story is completely summary with recalled details here and there. I think that adding some scene would not only improve the overall story, but it would also help move the story along and help to characterize the characters especially the narrator and the cousin. For example, I’d like to see a scene from the bachelor party. Right now, there are a few details, but I think a scene here would greatly help to characterize Albert. Another place for a scene would be the very beginning – I want to see Debbie breaking down. What happened? Were they all sitting around the table eating, and Debbie started crying and it eventually devolved into her sobbing and falling on the floor? Show it happening.

            Also, I’d like more about the narrator. Why is he so devastated by his cousin’s breakdown? I’m not sure I totally understand his motivations. Obviously he loves his family, but I don’t get his grief – right now I’m grappling with issues of believability because of this. Also, I’m not sure what the change is. He states from the first sentence that this situation was heart-wrenching and he is still pretty depressed at the end. To me, it felt like the change happened to Debbie, which made her seem more like the main character. I would work on that and the rest of the story should fall in place once you’ve got that figured out.