Robert –
Your
short story is about a man named Jenson, whose life isn’t anything spectacular.
His home life is kind of hum-drum, he works for a not so nice boss, and his job
isn’t all that great. Despite all this, Jenson doesn’t seem to hate life; he
just finds solace in the sleep and rest.
First
of all, I think you do a good job with dialogue. That’s my favorite part of the
story. The conversations between Jenson and the other characters seem natural
and they flow well. Also, within the dialogue, you create a specific voice for
Jenson – he’s kind of snarky and sarcastic. I really liked the character you
created.
That
being said, I want more of Jenson – I want to see more of him. As I said above,
he comes across as snarky and sarcastic, but I don’t understand why. Is it a
kind of defense mechanism for coping with his life? I got the sense that the
life he’s living isn’t exactly the one he wants to be living. I think the
character might benefit by picking a single scenario (either the house with the
girlfriend or the office with the boss) and developing the character there.
With a short-short story, there’s not a whole lot of room to create elaborate
scenes and I think here, three scenes is not helping the character development all
that much. To me, the whole conversation with the boss about the oak table is
the most interesting, so I’d like to see that developed. What does Jenson think
of the boss? Is the boss always as thoughtless as he is in this scene, or is he
preoccupied with something? And while I’m on the topic of the boss/Jenson’s
job, what exactly is his job? The narration says that his job description had
changed over the years, but I want to know what he started off as. Did he begin
as a paralegal? Why has he agreed to do all these things that are outside his
job?
I
really think that this story has potential and that potential lies in Jenson’s
character. I think if you draw him out more and flesh out his character, you
would have a really great story.
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