Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Chase"

Molly Kirkpatrick’s “Chase” is about Caroline and her relationship with her ex-boyfriend Chase. Their relationship is in flux because they both have contracted herpes. They meet in the Burger Lounge to talk over things, and once there, Caroline remembers little things about their relationship and between her memories and her conversation with Chase, she realizes that Chase really did, and possibly still does, love her.

My favorite part of this piece is definitely the humor. Obviously, sexually transmitted diseases and how they affect relationships and lives is a very heavy topic and could approached in a very serious, humorless way. However, the infusion of humor in the narration helps the reader push through a feelings of discomfort about the topic and actually read the story for what it is: a story about a relationship and what love is. The story had me laughing from the very first page, really from the second sentence. That humor continued through the entire story, which kept me reading even if I did become uncomfortable at times; the humor made the narrator sympathetic – I liked her and wanted to know how her story ended Probably my favorite line from “Chase” is when Caroline is talking to Felicia and Isobell about Chase. The sister say something to each other, and the description of their reaction is: “The sisters turned and gave each other the ‘aww’ eyes, giggling like a couple of Teletubbies.” I was funny enough that it elicited a laugh, but at the same time, I was able to see and hear exactly how they had reacted.

I really don’t have that many suggestions for improvement – overall, I thought that just about everything was working. That being said, I do have a few questions. Who broke up with whom? Did Caroline break up with Chase, or vice versa? Why did they break up? I mean, getting an STD is not the greatest thing in the world, but would that warrant them breaking up with each other? Maybe Caroline was mad at Chase for giving it to her, and that’s what caused the breakup? Also, I kind of want to know where Chase got herpes from in the first place. The characterization portrayed him as a “playa,” but where did he contract the disease? Also, did he know that he had it before he passed it on to Caroline? I thinking backstory that answers these stories would help flesh out the relationship between Caroline and Chase.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Kids"

Alyson Smith’s “Kids” is a story about a group of girls at a summer church camp. The narrator, Jenny, is a twelve year old girl who loves reading, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. Unfortunately, these likes make her stick out from the girls at camp. She is not obsessed with makeup and boys like the other girls, but rather keeps to herself.

I think you do a good job representing the girls in the opening scene. I grew up with a sister, so I understand how mornings go and the description in the beginning was pretty much spot on. However, as the story progressed, I felt like the representation of the girls made them seem a bit older than they were stated to be.

As it stands right now, I don’t feel like there is an actual story here – it’s more a situation or a compilation of events. There really isn’t that much tension or conflict (unless you count the shocking revelation that a thirteen year old is having sex at church camp). Also, I don’t really know who changes. Jenny doesn’t change because she doesn’t have the chance to have a transformation – nothing actually happens to her. The entirety of the story is a clustering of events that happen to the people around her, not to her. It’s the other girls who are crushing on the boys in camp or trying to capture Jeremy’s attention. It’s Morgan who has a “crisis” because Connor likes Chandler and not her. It’s Jenna who is caught sleeping with Chandler. Because none of things actually happen to Jenny herself, there is nothing that can help cause a change in her. She just observes and retains the same attitude toward the other girls – she doesn’t understand them and doesn’t care.

Personally, I want to see Jenny’s motivations be explored. Right now, I don’t know why she is so antisocial. Why is she so reluctant to be like the other girls? If she doesn’t like and doesn’t want to participate in the camp activities, why is she there in the first place? Did she want to go, and then it wasn’t what she thought it was going to be? Or maybe her mom forced her to go? I want to understand Jenny’s character more and see her change.

Response to Emily Feagin's "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

Emily Feagin’s “With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies” is about the relationship between the narrator and her mother, who has dementia. The story is mainly a compilation of the narrator’s memories and experiences with her mother which is interwoven with a scene of dialogue in which the mother, in the grips of dementia, cannot remember taking her pills. This group of memories helps the narrator come to grips with her mother’s dementia as the disease slowly takes away the woman she once knew.

Overall, I enjoyed this story. It was sad, but that is mainly because the narration captures the relationship between the mother and daughter well, so it is sad to see how the mother, whom the daughter obviously loves very much, is decaying and becoming but a memory of the person she once was. Also, I really liked the ongoing scene/conversation about the pills. It perfectly showed the effects of dementia, thus exposing the reader to what dementia has done to the mother, all while tying the entire story together.

Though the scene about the pills is very good, personally, I would like to see more scene throughout the entire story. As it stand right now, the narration consists mainly of summary, making the story mainly a compilation of summaries of memories. Obviously, not all the memories need to be in scene, but I think it might work if one or two of the more important/impactful memories were written in scene. I would like to see how the mother was before the dementia set in. Right now, all I know about the mother is from what the narrator tells me and how the mother acts with dementia.

Also, I had a hard time nailing down exactly what the story was about. Personally, I felt like it was about the relationship between the mother and daughter more than it was about dementia or anything else. That being said, I’m not really sure how exactly the narrator changes. From the beginning, she is a loving daughter, and at the end, she is still a loving daughter. I guess the change is that she has come to accept this new person that has become her mother. But I’m not really sure. I would like to see more development of the narrator’s character in order to clear that up.

Response to Matt Diaz's "Fortune"

Matt Diaz’s “Fortune” is about a home invasion and how the homeowner reacts to the situation. It begins with Mike relaxing after a day at work and not really doing anything. Suddenly, two robbers break into his house and shoot Mike’s dog, Duke. Instead of being quick to action to save himself, Mike resorts to simple compliance and watches his house being torn apart, all in an attempt to stay alive. However, as the burglary progresses, Mike becomes more and more angry with the situation. During a squabble between the two burglars, shots are fired, and one of the robbers is shot. In that moment, Mike finally snaps, realizing the dire nature of the situation and finally resolves to active, rather than complacent, in his attempt to stay safe.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was compelling and I wanted to keep reading to see what happened. I particularly liked the juxtaposition between the frivolousness of the Wheel of Fortune on the television versus the seriousness of the situation taking place in reality. I also enjoyed the inclusion of the dog and how it was used in order to reveal Mike’s feelings and emotions. I think Matt did a good job of showing enough of the dog, but not enough to get attached to the character, so that it wasn’t a shock when the dog was killed. I think Matt did a good job of using the dog as a center for Mike’s focus. The dog became a place for Mike to transfer his emotions about the situation so that he could deal with the burglary as clear-headedly as possible.

Though I liked the dog as a means of revealing Mike’s feelings, as a whole, I felt like the tone and Mike’s actions are oddly calm for the situation; it doesn’t have the sense of urgency that a robbery or a dangerous situation typically has. I do think that it does fit with the story considering Mike is complacent in order to stay alive, but at the same time, I wanted more emotion. At times, it felt like Mike was looking in on the situation rather than experiencing it. Part of this, I think, was due to the high level of vocabulary. At times, I felt that the vocabulary was too elevated for the situation. Mike is calm, but under the surface, I feel like he should be panicking, and as a result, I don’t think his brain would come up with such elaborate words.

Response to Robert Lee's "Curtis and Deangelo"

Robert Lee’s “Curtis and Deangelo” is about two guys (I assume their just friends and not actually related). The story begins in a casino where Curtis is gambling. There, the reader finds out that Curtis has been losing all night and has had bad luck with both prostitution and alcohol in the very recent past. The reader is then introduced to Deangelo, who like Curtis, hasn’t been having much luck in Las Vegas. They leave the casino and Curtis gets a phone call telling him that his father is in surgery. The two guys then talk about an accident that happened a year prior. After that, there is a transition to the hospital, where Curtis’ father is recovering from surgery. He talks on the phone to Deangelo and Deangelo reveals that his own father has died.

I liked the beginning of the story, when Curtis was just gambling by himself and losing money. I like the air of mystery that surrounded him. I also like the exaggerations he is telling Mr. Berry. (At least, I thought they were exaggerations, but after reading the whole story, I’m not so sure.) I thought this story could have gone so many ways.

My main problem with this story is the lack of direction. I have no idea what this story is actually about. It seems like there are two or three threads going on here; all of them are kind of thrown on the page, but there isn’t a specific one that is actually followed. There’s the story of the gambling. And then there’s a story in Deangelo and the little line about them thinking they’re going to be arrested. There’s also a story within their conversation about the accident. And lastly, there’s also a story in the hospital and Curtis’ dad’s surgery.

I think this might be remedied by picking one story and following it to the end and add the details necessary to flesh it out. As it stands right now, there is a lack of detail that raises a lot of questions. Who is Bishop? Why are they in Las Vegas? What accident are they talking about? How are Deangelo and Curtis connected? For a while, I thought they were just friends, then I thought they were brothers, but then I went back to thinking they were just friends. Because of the lack of details, I don’t have a firm hold on anything in this story.

I also found myself confused by the dialogue. Several times, I realized that I didn’t know who was speaking, and it changed how I read it. For example, I thought the line in which Curtis harasses the waitress was actually spoken by Deangelo. I thought it was good characterization until I realized that it was Curtis who had said it.

Lastly, I don’t know what’s going on in the ending. I thought it was Curtis’ dad in the hospital. In the beginning of the scene, the dad is alive and recovering. But by the end of the scene, someone’s (I’m not sure whose) dad has died. I assume that it was Deangelo’s dad who died since the beginning of the scene showed Curtis’ dad alive and well. But that makes me question how Deangelo’s dad ended up in the hospital/in surgery too.

Pick a story, stick to it, and add detail, and I think this story could go a long way.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal"

Christina Kettering’s “Dress Rehearsal” is about the relationship between two sisters who are very close in age. Kate, the older sister, feels overshadowed by her younger sister, Diana. This sense of being overshadowed leads Kate to feel very sensitive about her personal identity. Interestingly enough, this dynamic is the opposite of what is expected, for normally, in stories about identity dealing with siblings, it is normally the older sibling who overshadows the younger sibling. This worrying about her identity leeches into several aspects of Kate’s life, including her friendship with Sean and her responsibilities in the school play. Eventually, the worrying becomes too much, and Kate must assert who she is as a person. However, this assertion finally allows her to rest firmly in her own identity.

Overall, I really enjoyed the story. It revolved around a good storyline, which was interesting and compelling. The images and descriptions were wonderful throughout, and were often inventive. One of my favorite images is the description of the dress Diana tries on: “The white dress was lumpy in all the wrong places, like cottage cheese.” Not only were the descriptions done well, but the characterization was also superb. It was obvious from the narration that Kate and Diana are very close and care about each other. For example, the scene where Kate clears a space for her sister on her bed reveals that the two are confidants to each other. This characterization made the story even more compelling, because it is interesting that Kate doesn’t like always been compared and associated with her sister, when obviously the two are very close, as well as very similar.

That being said, there are also some things I would like to see worked on in order to clear up some questions that remained after reading the story. First of all, the ending felt a bit rushed. Though the idea of identity is introduced on page four, by the time the story begins actually expanding on that idea and running with it, the story begins to end. I’d like to see the issue of identity being dealt with in more depth earlier in the story. Also, as far as identity goes, I’d like to know more about Kate. The main source of conflict is Kate’s animosity towards always being confused or compared with her sister. Yet, there really isn’t any description that distinguishes Kate from Diana in the reader’s mind. Sure, Kate says that she’s “a year older, a foot taller, and [she has] red hair,” but because the reader doesn’t really know what Diana looks like, there really isn’t any separation between the two characters. Also, Kate always defines her identity in terms of her sister. When she makes her assertion on page seven, she says, “I’m Diana’s sister, her older sister. I’m the tall one, the responsible one, the redhead.” All of these things are in comparison to her sister, which is exactly what she is trying to escape. If she is so concerned about her own identity, I feel like her own descriptions of herself should come apart from descriptions of her sister.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"

Kevin Boy’s “Brotherly Love” is a story about two brothers, William and Steven, who live together and take care of Steven’s two kids, Jacob and Samantha. A lot of the story is about the dynamic between William and his niece and nephew, but there is also a focus on the relationship between the two brothers. The brothers are very close, yet they differ in opinion about moving. It is obvious that the house they live in is William and Steven’s childhood home, and Steven wants his kids to grow up in the same place. Though Steven does not want to move, a midnight burglary helps him move to William’s way of thinking. Though he is not exactly happy about the decision, he acquiesces for the sake of his children’s safety.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought that the dialogue was well done – it seemed very natural. The dialogue also did a great job of revealing the relationships between William and the people in his life. The humor in William’s speech was also quite good, as it portrayed him as an easy-going guy who cares about his family.

Though it was easy to understand the actual dynamics of the family, at the end of the story, I was left with a lot of questions. Why exactly is William living with Steven? It’s not like William is an unemployed bum. The narration indicates that William does have a job of some sort. Also, where exactly is Steven’s wife or the children’s mother? Is she dead, or are she and Steven divorced? I think this information has the potential to shed light on why Steven is so dependent on William’s help. Why can’t William just move out and take the job in St. Louis? Why do Steven and his kids have to move with him? There are a lot of issues that I have questions about that I think could be resolved by examining Steven’s dependency on William. Is Steven older or younger? Can Steven not take care of himself? The reason he is so dependent on William is ambiguous, and thus, brings up a lot of questions.

Response to Janelle Green's "The Truth Behind the Window"

“The Truth Behind the Window” is about a suburban woman who spends her days watching the comings and goings of her neighbors. She does this to compensate for the lack of a life of her own. She is mired in a loveless and boring marriage, and her only escape from it and the dullness of her days is to spy on other people from the safety of her own home.

Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I think that the actions of the neighbors really show how boring and fake suburban life can be. Personally, my favorite instance of this description is when little Elizabeth’s father is teaching her how to ride a bike. The father is trying industriously to help his daughter, but Elizabeth is acting like a spoiled brat, “think her bike was supposed to act like her mini Cadillac Escalade sitting in the garage, along with everything else in her life, and automatically “go” because she said so.” This little moment of narration encapsulates the stereotypical image of suburbia. Suburbia is a magical land where everyone is happily married, has two kids, and the latest toys, cars, gadgets, or what have you. Or so we think. Through the narration, Janelle is able to reveal that though there is the stereotype of suburbia, when one looks past the façade, the life is something completely different.

However, there are a few things I would point out to work on. First of all, watch verb tense and grammar. There were a lot of missing commas or other punctuation, which alters the meaning of the sentence. Also, there were constant shifts between present and past tense. Pick a tense and stay in it unless it is necessary to make a shift for a stylistic reason. For instance, if the majority of the story is in past tense, a shift to present tense would make the narration more immediate, thus allowing the reader to pick up on something important. However, because the shifts seem arbitrary/accidental, it does nothing for the reader but cause confusion.

Also, I would like to see a bit more detail to help orient the reader. For instance, what time of day is it when the story starts? I thought it was evening, around five or six o’clock, because I thought Larry was coming home from work. Yet, other bits of action happen after that first little chunk, so obviously it is earlier in the day. Not until page six is the reader semi-oriented as far as time goes. Also, I would like to have an idea of what time period this takes place in. Does it take place during modern times? If so, why the constant fixation of the 1950s? And one last detail that might help orient the audience is location. Where are they? I’m assuming it takes place in America, but where in America? North? South? Little geographical cues might help the reader fill in gaps with their stereotypes of the region.

Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

In her short story “Off,” Aimee Bender infuses her character with a slightly off-kilter persona in order to reveal the nature of conformity and how it shapes culture and relationships. This examination is done by making the narrator decidedly non-conformist: she wears a slinky cocktail dress when she knows the party is informal; her goal for the night is to kiss three men, a redhead, a blonde, and a man with black hair; she steals coats; and she paints weird things into her paintings to get a reaction from people. All of these decisions set the narrator apart from the group of conformists she is surrounded with. The people at the party are the kind of people who like to keep up with Joneses. They all buy the same things, such as wineglasses, because everyone “within a ten-block radius had bought [them] because at some inexplicable point in time, everybody woke up with identical taste” (Bender 107). However, the narrator refuses to be this kind of person. She would rather be superior to everyone else than conform to their ideals of normality.

However, it is not just her friends’ ideas of normality that the narrator breaks. She also breaks ideas of what most readers would consider normal. The fact that she paints odd, out of place objects into her landscapes makes one wonder what exactly is wrong with the woman. Most people in society wouldn’t consider that normal. In fact, they would most likely agree with Adam and tell her “Lady, you are screwed UP” if presented with the chance (Bender 116). Similarly, the fact that the narrator feels compelled to steal the coats and hide them from the partygoers is also something that a reader would raise an eyebrow at. Not only is it not normal, but it also seems to portray the narrator as immature; she acts like an adolescent rather than an adult.

However, though the narrator is slightly “off” by most people’s standards, the reader sympathizes with her rather than the “normal” partygoers. Bender describes the party people in a way that makes them seem like automatons. They have no distinct personalities; they are all the same cookie cutter shape. The fact that Bender doesn’t include names, with the exception of Adam, but rather relies on physical descriptions reveals the fact that, to the narrator, no one is distinctive – all live in the realm of conformity.

Response to TC Boyle's "The Love of My Life"

In his short story “The Love of My Life,” T.C. Boyle examines teenage relationships by placing the young couple in an emotionally charged situation. Through the progression of the events, Boyle reveals the difference between real and idealized love and how that love can be torn apart. Though it the obvious subject of the story is teen pregnancy, the underlying themes deal with falling in and out of love.

In the beginning of the story, Boyle plays off of the stereotypes of a young, high school couple. China and Jeremy are so in love that they can’t stand to be apart. They are constantly together, wearing “each other like a pair of socks” (133). They constantly exchange kisses, even if they have only been apart for a few minutes. And on top of it all, China and Jeremy love each other so much, that they start sleeping together not long after they started going out. They have an idealized notion of what love really is, and therefore, they think that the love they have is real. All of these things are common stereotypes of a young couple, which Boyle uses to characterize the relationship between China and Jeremy. Through this, he can provide key details that are important to the characterization, and leave the minor details to the reader’s imagination to fill in with additional stereotypes. In order for this to work, Boyle operates under the assumption that being young and in love is a universal feeling. However, because Boyle trusts his audience to understand his implications, his narration is not tied down by little things.

However, in order to examine how love can be torn apart, Boyle does focus on specifics, rather than relying on common ideas. He focuses specifically on the effects that the unexpected pregnancy. Though teenage pregnancy is becoming increasingly common, especially in the American culture, it is not a universal experience. Thus, Boyle is careful to describe the fear and other strong emotions that accompany the pregnancy. The repetition of “Just get rid of it” (144) further serves to reveal how scared China and Jeremy are.

This juxtaposition of common ideas and stereotypes versus specific detail is an interesting combination. Boyle must trust his reader to fill in the blanks in some places and rely on the detail in the narration in other places. It is a dangerous method to employ, for if it doesn’t work in just one place, the whole story has the potential to unravel.

Response to Cole Stuart's "Vacation from Boyhood"

Basically, this story is about two guys who have known each other since childhood and are both slightly nerdy. They definitely do not fulfill the stereotypical image of men being strong brutes. In order to prove that they are “manly men,” they go on a fishing trip to Wisconsin during their winter break. While there, they build a fire, but leave the fire burning unattended, thus burning down the cabin.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. I wasn’t bored and I never felt the urge to just stop reading. There were also times when the narrative voice came across as unique, which I really enjoyed. For example, the narrator says to his friend, “I have been preparing for this for like three weeks now, and have three weeks’ worth of unshaven chest hair to prove it. Beat that sucker.” The voice in this quote is distinctive, because it clearly shows that the narrator is not the testosterone-laden man he wants to be. It is also quite humorous, because it implies that the narrator shaves his chest on a regular basis. There were several instances of this wry humor sprinkled throughout the story, which was very entertaining.

Though the story on the whole was entertaining, I found it slow at some parts, especially in the beginning. The beginning few pages leading up to the actual trip could probably be condensed. I would rather get straight to the story than read through several pages of back story. Also, a good portion of the story is in summary. I would like to see more scene. Scene is more exciting to read.

Also, I feel like I never really understood who the characters were. Basically, all I know about them is that they are friends, but they weren’t really good friends until college. They both like think and are planners not doers. Beyond that, I don’t know who these characters are. What do they look like? What motivates them? I don’t even know the narrators name or his gender. I assume it’s a guy based on the voice and the interactions with Connor, but I’m not sure.

Lastly, attention to detail would greatly enhance your story. As of right now, there are a few details that didn’t really sit well with me. For example, this story takes place in the winter of 2004. However, the boys’ means of communication is very technology based. They became better friends via Facebook when they went off to college. Facebook wasn’t invented until February of 2004 and was only available for Harvard students and then Ivy League students for some time. I have a hard time believing that by the summer of 2004, Facebook would have been a big enough of a thing to be their main means of communication. It’s the same thing for the texting. Texting wasn’t nearly as popular in 2004 as it is now. Also, and this goes along with my lack of understanding of the characters, but I assumed that they were freshmen in college, so probably around 18 or 19. However, they buy beer without a problem. Attention to the little things would greatly enrich the story.

Response to Paul Vance's "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica

            "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" focuses on Beverly and her descent into confusion and despair. Beverly takes her daughter Jessica to a company that seems to be a talent agency or something similar. The building itself is modern and the inside is gaudy, covered in stickers and bright colors. The flashiness of the setting seems to create the sense that the company is not the highly successful company it claims to be; in fact, it seems to be almost fake, as if it sells the idea of making teenaged girls successful while never actually making good on their promise. From the very moment Beverly and Jessica set foot in World Wide Music, the hectic atmosphere confuses Beverly, but Jessica is completely comfortable. This is the first evidence of a rift in the mother-daughter relationship. From there, things only get worse. Beverly descends further into confusion, to the point where her twelve-year old daughter moves into the role of caregiver. Jessica’s maturity and independence cause Beverly to worry that she has lost her child forever.

            The confusion Beverly feels is clearly expressed through the dialogue in the latter half of the story. The dialogue itself is confusing, for there are no dialogue tags to indicate who is speaking, thus mimicking the confusion that Beverly feels while speaking. By dissolving into utter confusion, complete with yelling and fighting, the dialogue makes the reader just as confused as Beverly is.

            Though this confusion of dialogue works well in the second half, the first half of the story is just confusing without really contributing much. Throughout the story, there are a lot of run on sentences. Though it is obvious that they are supposed to create confusion in the reader to mimic Beverly’s confusion, it was more frustrating than it was confusing. The run on sentences are hard to read and could benefit from being broken up into more manageable pieces. Also, in several places, the sentences structures and wording was weird. At first I thought it was contributing to the confusion, but after quite a few oddly worded sentences, it became tiring because I was mentally rewording the sentences in my head. However, those things are minor. For me, the big thing was the lack of actual change or motives in Beverly. She was confused from the very beginning and stayed confused throughout the story. It would be more interesting to see her actually fairly calm at the beginning of the story before having her become confused. Also, I had a hard time relating to Beverly because I didn’t understand her motives. Why did she agree to bring Jessica here in the first place? I would like to know more about her and why she does things in order to understand her confusion.