Response to Robert E. Lee's "Jenson's Day"

Robert –

            Your short story is about a man named Jenson, whose life isn’t anything spectacular. His home life is kind of hum-drum, he works for a not so nice boss, and his job isn’t all that great. Despite all this, Jenson doesn’t seem to hate life; he just finds solace in the sleep and rest.

            First of all, I think you do a good job with dialogue. That’s my favorite part of the story. The conversations between Jenson and the other characters seem natural and they flow well. Also, within the dialogue, you create a specific voice for Jenson – he’s kind of snarky and sarcastic. I really liked the character you created.

            That being said, I want more of Jenson – I want to see more of him. As I said above, he comes across as snarky and sarcastic, but I don’t understand why. Is it a kind of defense mechanism for coping with his life? I got the sense that the life he’s living isn’t exactly the one he wants to be living. I think the character might benefit by picking a single scenario (either the house with the girlfriend or the office with the boss) and developing the character there. With a short-short story, there’s not a whole lot of room to create elaborate scenes and I think here, three scenes is not helping the character development all that much. To me, the whole conversation with the boss about the oak table is the most interesting, so I’d like to see that developed. What does Jenson think of the boss? Is the boss always as thoughtless as he is in this scene, or is he preoccupied with something? And while I’m on the topic of the boss/Jenson’s job, what exactly is his job? The narration says that his job description had changed over the years, but I want to know what he started off as. Did he begin as a paralegal? Why has he agreed to do all these things that are outside his job?

            I really think that this story has potential and that potential lies in Jenson’s character. I think if you draw him out more and flesh out his character, you would have a really great story.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "From Me for You"

Patrick –

            Your story is about a boy/man whose cousin’s husband died the morning of Thanksgiving. The sudden death, coupled with the cousin’s grief, causes a sort of depression and grief in the narrator.

            First of all, I really like the premise of this story. I thought it was really original to explore the relationship between cousins. Most stories about family dynamics are between husbands and wives, parents and children, or siblings. The fact that the relationship between two cousins is what drives the story is really interesting. Because it is so interesting, I want to see it explored a bit more. For example, why are they close? Do they spend a lot of time together? Maybe Debbie is the older sister Isaiah never had?

            Also, I’d like to see a lot more of showing, more scenes, rather than summary. As it stands now, a great majority of the story is completely summary with recalled details here and there. I think that adding some scene would not only improve the overall story, but it would also help move the story along and help to characterize the characters especially the narrator and the cousin. For example, I’d like to see a scene from the bachelor party. Right now, there are a few details, but I think a scene here would greatly help to characterize Albert. Another place for a scene would be the very beginning – I want to see Debbie breaking down. What happened? Were they all sitting around the table eating, and Debbie started crying and it eventually devolved into her sobbing and falling on the floor? Show it happening.

            Also, I’d like more about the narrator. Why is he so devastated by his cousin’s breakdown? I’m not sure I totally understand his motivations. Obviously he loves his family, but I don’t get his grief – right now I’m grappling with issues of believability because of this. Also, I’m not sure what the change is. He states from the first sentence that this situation was heart-wrenching and he is still pretty depressed at the end. To me, it felt like the change happened to Debbie, which made her seem more like the main character. I would work on that and the rest of the story should fall in place once you’ve got that figured out.

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Blood"

Molly –

            I really liked this story about a nineteen year old girl, named Scarlett, who is in a mental hospital following the death of her father. As Scarlett herself says, she “just couldn’t take it anymore.” Her mother put Scarlett in the psychiatric hospital after she caught Scarlett cutting herself. However, Scarlett claims that she wasn’t trying to commit suicide, but was merely doing it to make sure she is still alive.

            First of all, I LOVE the voice in this piece. It’s so unique – sarcastic, realistic, and relatable all at the same time. I kept reading because I wanted more of that voice. I also thought your choice of subject was really unique, especially since the voice doesn’t exactly scream “insane.” I really liked the descriptions of the mental hospital – I liked that it was colored by the fact that Scarlett really doesn’t need to be in the mental hospital, but she’s there anyway and she observes everything around her. You do a great job creating a sense of place – I feel like I know exactly what the mental hospital looks like and what the patients are like. I also liked the recurring theme of death and blood pouring out (even though the scene where her dad died not only made me cringe, but made me slightly sick) – it tied everything together and made the ending all that more impactful.

            As for suggestions, I’ll start with some minor, nit-picky things. First of all, I want to know earlier how old Scarlett is. I got the sense that she was probably younger based on her interactions with the psychiatrist in the first scene, but I wasn’t sure. Until Scarlett says she’s nineteen on page 4, I was thinking she was around sixteen, so I want that introduced a bit earlier. Also, I want to know earlier why she’s in the mental hospital. All the stuff about her father doesn’t have to be revealed early – in fact, I think it’s perfect where it is – but I think I’d like to know that she’s there for cutting herself earlier in the story.

            My last suggestion has to do with the change in the character. I’m not really sure there was a change in the character. Sure, she comes to the realization that her dad will always be with her as long as she lets him stay, I feel like she had come to that realization before she has this conversation with the psychiatrist. Because of that, I didn’t feel like there was actually a change; it was more like the audience came to know more about Scarlett.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Swiss Cheese"

Alyson –

            First, a quick summary: “Swiss Cheese” is about Brett Miller, a resident/intern/doctor at a hospital. During her shift, Jack Goodman, a man on death row, who has attempted suicide, is brought in. After twelve hours in surgery, Brett is tasked with looking after the man while he recovers. During this time, she comes to an understanding of Jack. Because of this, she gives Jack the information necessary for him to complete his suicide, thus “cheating the system” by dying before his execution.

            I really enjoyed this story. From the first scene, I was sucked in and wanted to keep reading; it was compelling. Part of the reason it was so compelling was the unique descriptions; I had this fantastic sense of place in my head, and I could see the characters moving around in it. One of my favorite descriptions is “rodent bodies filled the receptacle across the room like grey popcorn.” The image itself is disgusting, but the description was really unique and I was able to picture exactly what that looked like. I also really liked the callback of specific details that cropped up earlier in the story. For instance, Brett talks about cows being squeezed through chutes before they die, and then Jack brings this exact same point up later.

            As for suggestions, my main issue was the ending. I really liked the ending, but when I put down the story, I couldn’t figure out exactly what the change was or the motivation for it. I have this vague notion floating around in my head, but I wanted something a little stronger. For me, the change was that Brett came to identify with her patient. Before, she basically pretended that the patients were nameless, faceless beings so she wouldn’t be reminded of her mother. When she meets Jack, she’s actually interested in finding out who he is, what he’s done, and why he’s done it. I’m not really sure I understand why she does this though. Obviously, she’s scared of Jack, yet Brett is the one who keeps asking questions. Make the change and the motivation for the change more obvious so we’re not left wondering at the end.

            Also, I’d like to see more of her mother’s murder brought into her motivations. I got the sense it was her dad’s death that caused her to want to be a doctor. She was pre-med when she found her mother murdered, yet she couldn’t save her. Did that create an even stronger drive to become a doctor? How does her mother’s death affect her daily life in the hospital besides the fact that she doesn’t like to see her patients as real people? I think the mom’s death is a big part of Brett’s life and needs to be more a force in the story.

Response to Paul Vance's "Support Group"

Paul –

            “Support Group” is about a man in a support group, sharing his many problems, of which, the main one being that he is addicted to masturbation. Throughout the story, Jules charts his journey with the addiction, revealing how it started, the awkward moments it has caused, and the implications it has had upon his adult life.

            First of all, I thought you had some interesting descriptions. Also, I think you did a good job using the dialogue, especially at the beginning of the story, to reveal just how nervous Jules is. That, coupled with the fact that his voice finally becomes stronger, helps to create a change in the character.

            As far as suggestions go, my first one has to do with the ending. I get that it is possible to be self-abusive and that the addiction basically destroyed his life, but I don’t think that his addiction is analogous to sexual abuse. I just felt like Jules went from being very insecure and self-conscious to being almost self-righteous. It just didn’t sit right with me that he compared his choice to masturbate all the time, which he has some modicum of control over, to sexual abuse, which the victim cannot control at all.

            Also, I have no idea how old the narrator is. Obviously, he’s a bit older since he talks about adult relationships and he has the presence of mind to find help for his addiction, but I don’t really have a handle on his age. I think this is partly because of the narrator’s diction. My main problem with his diction is the repeated usage of the word “wiener.” To me, that is just a really immature word. Yet, the narrator uses it repeatedly in every situation. It would make more sense if he used it when he’s recounting memories from his childhood and then used a different word for his more adult explanations.

            Finally, I’m not so sure about the change in the character. There is a change from Jules being insecure to being semi-confident. However, I felt like it just didn’t fit. I think this is partly because I don’t know what actually caused the change because there was no interaction whatsoever between Jules and anyone else.

Response to Emily Feagin's "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

Emily -

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is about the mother of a young girl, Ruth. The woman is upset because her daughter is getting married at the age of twenty-two, which the mother considers to young for marriage. The whole story is basically about the mother coming to terms with the fact that her baby girl is getting married and will no longer belong solely to her.

First of all, I really liked the overall plot of the story. I thought it was an interesting plot and something that lends itself to exploration. I also really liked the mother’s voice; it was very clear and distinct and I thought you did a good job conveying how she feels about her daughter’s impending nuptials.

That being said, I wanted more. Not only more story, but more explanation and exploration. The main area I want to see this in is the mother and her motivations. Right now, I’m not one hundred percent sure why she is the way she is. I understand that she is upset that her daughter is getting married so young, but I couldn’t help but feel that, the entire time I was reading, there was something more to her feelings. Maybe she married young, and it wasn’t exactly everything she wanted it to be, so she wants to save her daughter from making the same mistake. I just didn’t understand exactly why she was so resentful of her daughter. I get the resentment, but I think she would also be happy that her daughter has found the love of her life.

Also, I’d like to see more showing through scenes. With the scenes you have, you do a good job of characterizing your characters, especially the mother. However, I also felt like there was a lot of summary that could be made into scenes. I’d like to see more interaction between the mother and Ruth. I’d also like to see interaction between Ruth and Isaac and how the mother perceives it.

Lastly, I wasn’t really sure about the change. It felt kind of weak, especially in terms of what it has the potential to be. It just kind felt like the mother was like “Oh, my daughter’s getting married and she’s beautiful so I shouldn’t be mad anymore.” I just wanted more of an emotional impact from the ending.