Response to Kevin Boy's "Where to Start?"

Kevin –

            I liked your story about a young boy named Darroll, who yearns to break free from the stifling control of his parents; he wants freedom and a life of his own.

            The thing that is really working in this story is the voice. From the first paragraph of the story, I was completely sucked in by the narrator’s voice. Not only is it unique, but it is also very natural – it is not stiff or awkward. There are fragments and uncompleted thoughts, both of which contribute to the natural flow of the narration. I also really liked the recurring motif of the dinosaurs and how you incorporated that into the idea of extinction. The continuation of the simile throughout creates an interesting dynamic between Darroll and his parents – if he doesn’t take care, their overbearing control will obliterate his freedom, and he will never have a chance to live life as he wants to live it.

            My main suggestion is to explore the motivations of the characters. First, let’s start with Darroll. I get that he wants to have some semblance of freedom and live his own life, which is completely natural. However, I want to know why. The narration hints that he doesn’t like being the “momma’s boy,” and that he resents his parents for treating him like a mindless animal. However, I’m a bit confused as to where these feelings are coming from. Darroll says that it took some time, but he got used to their controlling nature. However, his parents have probably been like that his whole life, so their controlling ways would be something natural to him. Second, I’d like to see more of the parents. Why are they so controlling? The grandfather seems like a pretty relaxed person, so I imagine that his parenting style wasn’t over the top controlling. With that in mind, I’m a bit confused about why the mother parents the way she does. Most people model their parenting style after their own parents, or if they hated their upbringing, they do the exact opposite of what their parents did. So it makes me wonder if Darroll’s mother is so controlling because her own father wasn’t? I think clarification of motives would greatly enhance this already interesting story.

Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

Janelle –

            I really liked the plot of this story. At first, I was wondering where you were going with the whole “safe” theme, but I thought the arc of Alexandra hearing noises, her dog disappearing, and her being assaulted was intriguing. I also liked the ending and the fact that it was her father who assaulted her, but I thought it was a bit predictable. I thought it might be the father when she said she thought the mask looked familiar, and then the details about him calling her “little one” and the fact that the dog did what he wanted it to only reassured me, so the ending wasn’t that big of a surprise.

            I think what is really working in this story is the voice. Alexandra’s voice is unique and strong. For example, I really liked the second sentence when she says, “the flashlight I carried could’ve been considered a spotlight, and I think I frequently blinded oncoming cars because they always flicked their lights at me as if I was a car.” I just thought that it was a unique description and it fit with the voice you established for your narrator.

            As far as suggestions go, I would say work on the pacing. The beginning was a bit slow, but I understand that it was necessary to get all that exposition in. Maybe there’s a way you could incorporate some of the first page into a scene so it isn’t so slow. Also, I felt like there were times when the action would get started, and then it faltered because Alexandra was just waiting to see what happened. This happens when she realizes that the door is open the first time. I was excited to see some action, but instead of speeding up, the narration slowed down because Alexandra retreated. Which brings me to a minor gripe – why/how is she falling asleep during all of this? The narration portrays Alexandra as this perpetually frightened, high-strung kind of person, so I would think that after all the noises she’s been hearing and the fact that her dog is missing, she would be amped up with fear and adrenaline. But somehow she falls asleep not once, but twice in the middle of all of this. My only explanation was that she’s narcoleptic.

            Also, I’m not really sure what the change in the character was. She was scared at the beginning of the story, and she’s still scared at the end of it. How did she change? This might be explored some if the ending was slowed down a bit, because, for me, the ending felt rushed and not really fleshed out to its full potential.

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

            I’m not really sure how I feel about this story. When I was reading it, I kept pushing through because I wanted to know what would happen between the narrator and the boy. When I got to the end, I was a bit disappointed that nothing actually happened between them. I felt dissatisfied. But now that I’ve removed myself from the story and thought about it for a few hours, I realize that it’s not really about the relationship between the narrator and the boy, but rather a story about culture – the retention of culture and the loss of culture.

            The big that stuck out to me was obviously the usage of second person. It took me the first couple pages to get used to it, but once I did, I thought that Lahiri’s style of narration was extraordinary. Normally, it’s difficult to write something in second person without running the risk of alienating the audience or making them uncomfortable. But Lahiri writes in such a way that I never felt awkward that she kept using “yous.” Instead, I felt like the use of second person created a more intimate kind of feel – the intimacy of the writing style helps strengthen the idea that the narrator had a crush on the boy, and the entire story is the things left unsaid between them.

            Though I liked the use of second person to tell the story, I also felt that it sometimes detracted from the overall impact of the story. For example, because the story is addressed to the boy, who obviously knows what he looks like and what the other people in the story look like, there is no need for a lot of physical description. Because of this, I really didn’t have a good feel for what the characters looked like – I was left to envision the stereotypical Indian-American. The voices of the different characters were strong enough to help me distinguish them from each other, but at times, I was left wanting more in the way of description.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Password Protected"

Christina –

            Your story made me tear up. I loved how you portrayed the relationship between Thomas and Julia. Their relationship is very sweet – which is why I was sad when it was revealed that Thomas died.

            Basically, this story is about a brother and sister. The story itself is narrated by the sister, who, through reflections on her life with her brother and browsing Facebook, realizes the inherent unfairness in life – that some people choose to kill themselves when others, who want to live, die. She also discovers that despite this, it is possible to create an alternate reality, in which you live the life you want to live.

            As I’ve already said, I really enjoyed the relationship between Thomas and Julia. I thought you did a great job with the characterization because the closeness between them was quite apparent. However, I’d suggest maybe adding something that creates tension between them, because right now, their relationship is a little bit too perfect, which isn’t completely realistic. I think that’s what you were going for with the whole conversation about school while they were watching Glee. The scene itself is good, but I’d like to see a little more conflict because even though their conversation is supposed to create tension, it still has an air of sweetness, because Thomas is simply looking out for his sister.

            I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of little details with the overarching situation of Thomas’ cancer. My favorite was “This invasion of my privacy used to be my greatest sorrow in middle school.” The juxtaposition of the eavesdropping being her greatest sorrow against her brother’s cancer shows just how much her life has been changed.

            The only other major suggestion I have is clarifying the ages/age difference of Thomas and Julia. I was able to figure out that Julia was older, but I wasn’t sure by how much. Also, I wasn’t quite sure how old she is. From the voice, it seemed like she was in college, so a bit older than the scenes in the flashbacks, but I wasn’t sure exactly how old she was or how long ago Thomas had died. And that’s another think I’d like nailed down. How old was Thomas when he died? And how long did Julia keep up the façade that her brother was still alive? I’d like to see this time issues clarified so I can have a better grip on the when of the story.

Response to Cole Stuart's "Status Quo"

Cole –

            This story is about Jake Blackwell, a boy in high school, who is very analytical and derives pleasure from the reactions that people have to his odd clothing choices. Because of his choices, Jake is seen as somewhat of an oddity, and consequently, people don’t want to be associated with him. However, this changes when, as a result of too many late arrivals, Jake receives in school suspension, where he meets Phil, Jordan, and Tanner, who, however tentatively accept him into their little group of social outcasts.

            My favorite thing about this piece was the repetition of buzz buzz. I thought the choice was interesting and helped to connect everything in the story. It also made the ending much more powerful, because the buzzing finally stops and there is only silence. However, whether this is the result of the drugs or the fact that Jake finally has a semblance of friendship is open to interpretation.

            My first suggestion is to expand Jake’s motivations. I get that he dresses the way he does in order to get reactions out of people, but I want to know what led him to doing that in the first place? Does he not have any friends, and decides that if people aren’t going to associate with him anyway, that it should be for a reason, and that’s why he dresses the way he does? Or does he not have any friends solely because he’s weird? I think providing more motivation for his actions would help me understand his character, especially since in the beginning, he says that he wishes he “could think things through in [the] normal way of doing things.” This, to me, indicates that he wants to be normal, so why doesn’t he just try to be normal?

            Also, I’d like to see some exploration of his so-called friends. With Dave, I want to know why Jake considers Dave his best friend? Are they really friends, or does Jake only think that because Dave will actually talk to him? I’d also like to see more of the guys in suspension with him, since they are the ones who help facilitate his change. Right now, I only have this vague notion of what they are, but nothing concrete.  

Response to Matt Diaz's "Series of Omissions"

Matt –

            I really enjoyed this story, which seems to be written in the style of an obituary or something similar, about Norman O’Connor and the things he leaves behind in death. Mainly, the story focuses on Norman’s relationships with his family members. These relationships present Norman as loving father and husband, who also can be rather harsh, even violent.

            First of all, I absolutely loved the characterization you used throughout this piece. I thought it was quite clever to show him through the different perspectives of the different people in his family. It worked really well, because, right when I thought I had gotten a handle on who I thought Norman was, you’d give some other details which made me rethink his character. I thought that this made it very realistic because no one in real life is cut and dry – there are some things that we like about people and other things that they do that irritate us – and I thought the characterization of Norman hit the nail on the head.

            That being said, my only real suggestion is that I want more – not necessarily in length or an expansion of the ending, because personally, I thought the ending was perfect. The place where I see the need for more description or characterization or whatever you want to call it, is in the scene with the sons. The thing that I thought you did best throughout the piece was to show Norman’s relationship with his family, and how those family members perceived him. However, the sons’ scene focuses mainly on them. They beat each other up, but I don’t think it quite characterizes their relationships with their father. I get they were upset by his death, but I want more. I want to know what about their relationship with Norman would cause them to do that.

            Also, and this really isn’t a detail that’s needs to be added into the actual story, but I read this as an obituary of sorts, which led to me to question who “wrote” this obituary. Was it the wife or one of the children? There’s really no way to add that into the story without changing the framework, but I thought it was an interesting detail that would color how Norman is portrayed.

Response to David Foster Wallace's "Incarnations of Burned Children"

David Foster Wallace’s “Incarnations of Burned Children” is one of those stories that just stick with you. I’ve read it before and was reluctant to read it a second time because I knew what was going to happen. But I went ahead and forced myself to read it, and realized, that more than anything, it wasn’t necessarily the story that stuck with me, but the language Wallace uses. His construction of sentences is hauntingly beautiful in that each word, each turn of phrase is there for the singular purpose of creating the greater effect of fear and sorrow.

            For example, one of my favorite lines from this short story describes how the father deals with the situation at hand: “ . . . the Daddy moving quickly and well and his man’s mind empty of everything but purpose, not yet aware of how smoothly he moved or that he’d ceased to hear the high screams because to hear them would freeze him and make impossible what had to be done to help his child, whose screams were regular as breath . . .” (Wallace 706). The most striking thing about this description is its length. It is all one very long sentence, which creates a sense of breathlessness and urgency, thus mimicking the emotional state of the characters, specifically the dad. Additionally, the long sentences help to portray the sense that the father is doing things automatically, without thinking. At this point in the story, he moves like a robot, without feeling or emotion, simply doing what needs to be done to save the child.

            This sense of emotional detachment as a means of getting through the situation is furthered by the lack of specific names in the story. They are simply the Daddy, the Mommy, and the baby. This lack of names creates a distance between the reader and the emotional gravity of the situation being described. There is no specificity for the reader to latch on to and make an emotional attachment with. However, the audience is still left haunted because, by the same token, the lack of specificity creates a sense of universality – that this situation could happen to anyone.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "Baking Cookies"

Patrick Padilla’s “Baking Cookies” is about the relationship between a little boy, Matt, and his mother. At first, the relationship seems like a normal, loving mother-son relationship. This is because Matt doesn’t know any better and thinks that his mom only does things because she loves him. However, it becomes quickly apparent that what Matt sees as shows of love are actually forms of child molestation. A child protective services worker “rescues” Matt from his mother, taking him to his grandmother’s house.

            Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. When I got to the first little description of sexual abuse, I was a little uncomfortable, but the scene was done tastefully enough that I was able to keep reading. The entire story, though dealing with an uncomfortable subject, is written in such a way that enough of what is going on is revealed so that the reader knows what’s going on, but it is explicit. I also really liked the characterization of the relationship between Matt and his mother. It is obvious that Matt really loves his mother. He enjoys spending time with her and thinks of himself as her protector. The fact that Matt finds safety in his mother shows the depth of their relationship, even if the relationship is considered abusive. Additionally, the sprinkling of humor throughout was a nice touch. Obviously, child sexual abuse is a heavy topic and can quickly become uncomfortable and upsetting. However, the smattering of humor in the narration helped to lighten the tone so that it never became unbearably uncomfortable.

            My only real suggestion for this story is to explore the father some more. Right now, I only have a vague notion of why he left. Honestly, to me, it sounded like he was abusive to her. But she convinced him to leave, so I’m not really sure what motivated that. My other big question about the father is what caused his suspicions? The child protective services worker says that the father was concerned about Matt, but I don’t have a clear reason for why he was concerned. And if he was concerned, why didn’t he try to do something about it before calling child protective services? Maybe there was a confrontation prior to him calling them, but it’s not included in the narration? Right now, I’m a bit iffy about the father, and I’d like to know more about him.

Response to Robert E. Lee's "A Different Place"

Robert E. Lee’s “A Different Place” is a story about a man and his family following a car accident in which the family was involved. The narrator was not in the wreck, but learns of it from his family members who were in it. The accident killed a friend, Derick, and could have killed the rest of the family as well. Back in the United States, the survivors go to the hospital, where it is found that the father has a broken vertebra and requires surgery.

The thing that works the best in this story is the dialogue. It is well written and natural. None of it feels stilted or shoehorned in by the author to make a point. Instead, the dialogue serves to move the story forward. There is also a good mix of direct dialogue and indirect dialogue. I especially like the indirect dialogue because it gave the audience a bit of insight on how the narrator responded to it when he was told it.

My main suggestion for this story is to have more of a character arc. As of right now, I’m not really sure how the narrator changed, if at all. It just kind of seems that he took this accident in stride and then went back to daily life. I want to see Derick’s death and his dad’s injuries affect him more. Maybe it might work better if he too was in the accident. That might lead him to thinking about mortality and risks.

Also, after reading, I want to know why the narrator is so calm about the whole situation. He says himself that he realizes that the entire family could have died in the accident, not just Derick. However, the narrator doesn’t ever demonstrate any real emotional intensity. He seems very detached from situation. Personally, I don’t think it’s the best narrative choice because it obvious that the narrator cares about his family. Because of that connection, I think he would be more likely to have intense emotional responses to the situation. But he doesn’t, which leads me to wonder if the narrator is callous or if maybe he doesn’t completely understand the gravity of the situation.